Showing posts with label joke of the day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke of the day. Show all posts

Sunday, June 1, 2014

What would you do? #JokeOfTheDay

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock,
and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. 

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" 

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" 

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." 

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"


...


And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."


Saturday, May 31, 2014

3 Little Pigs Having Dinner #JokeOfTheDay

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter

    came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the
    first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little
    piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little
    piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders
    for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
   

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second
    piggy.

'I want beer,
    lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were
    brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if
    the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said
    the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
   

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little
    piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third
    little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

   



The third
    piggy says -


'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the
    way home!

Friday, May 23, 2014

Halloween Party #JokeOfTheDay

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to
hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

THE HORTH WHITHPERER #JokeOfTheDay #SpeechImpediment

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse."A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's rear end, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound the twack "?

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

This could happen to you! #JokeOfTheDay

This could happen to you!   

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 
'Hi, how are you?' 


I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 

'Doing' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'


What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here. '  


At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:  
'Can I come over?' 


Ok, this question is just too weird for me.  I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say: 
'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'


Then I hear the person say, nervously: 
'Listen, I'll have to call you back.  There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!'

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Should you trust a FEMA Genie #JokeoftheDay

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden
he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA
(Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,'
says the genie.. 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going trust a FEMA genie...'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded
with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.  Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful
women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached

Monday, May 19, 2014

One Hole Behind #GolfJoke #JokeoftheDay

A man while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me so you must be on the 6th hole!"

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said," I'm on the 14th hole,you are a hole behind me so you must be on the 13th hole!" Once again he thanked her and retu rned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the club house where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said," Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied," If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."

Well if you must know" She answered, "I work for Tampax!"

With that he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath, she said "See I knew you would laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at." he replied."I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

Sunday, May 18, 2014

A TEXAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL #JokeoftheDay #Joke

Dallas ATC:  "Tower to Saudi Air  911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC.  Acknowledge cleared to land on  infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised !!" 
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land, Westbound  on runway 9R." 
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC.  We are cleared to land on infidel's  runway 9R.- -Allah is Great !!" 
Pause: Static............. 
Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC !   DALLAS ATC !!! " 
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?" 
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE    SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!!   WE  ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!! 
Dallas ATC:  "Well bless your hearts.  Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- y'all hear?

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Pretty Bras or Big Breast

My wife has been depressed lately shopping for new bras because "they don't make pretty one's in my size."

I went with her to the store once and quickly I noticed, "The pretty bras are to distract you that they are not covering much. Nothing can distract away from big breast."

She is happy now.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Real Woman

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Flat Tire Chuckle

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate..
So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't beli eve! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.


I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up.. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!


"What's going on here?"


"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.


"Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"


I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!"



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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'



The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'





Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "



Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'



If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends!

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Friday, September 3, 2010

Ostrich Joke

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'



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Friday, August 27, 2010

CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Local Target Complaint Letter

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women *she loves to browse*. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:


Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. The complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away*. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
  6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
  14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'            And last, but not least:
  15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Voted best Irish joke of 2005!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest  of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.  Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

History Funny Facts

These are interesting...


Life is so much better if you take time to stop and look around at all the beauty.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500's:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling in to the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.  When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! !


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Monday, August 23, 2010

3 Guys and a Genie (Bin Laden is one of the guys, lol)

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a biker guy are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'


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